The Beginning
Dear baby,
The beginning of this story isn't really the beginning. The beginning happened on December 25 (Christmas day!), 2012, when I took my first positive pregnancy test. After the shock wore off, we were thrilled. We couldn't talk about anything else. We took trips to Babies R Us just to look at all of the baby supplies & cute clothes and we bought gifts for our family members (grandma & grandpa books, aunt bibs, great-grandma picture frames...) as a sweet way of telling them that we were expecting. We spent an alcohol-free New Year's Eve, just the two of us, talking about our dreams for our growing family in 2013.
But on January 2, I started bleeding. I knew right away that it was a miscarriage, but I didn't want to believe it. I went to the ER, where it was confirmed, and I sobbed. I mourned the loss of a child who never existed. It was incredibly painful, physically and emotionally, and I hated that I had to tell my family such horrible news - that I was pregnant but had lost the baby. (I didn't tell anybody except immediate family, and even that was uncomfortable and depressing to do.) My OB said that it likely never was a baby. At such an early time in the pregnancy, my miscarriage was probably the result of a "chemical pregnancy," meaning that there never was a baby at all because the implantation never occurred. He also said that my body would be ready to get pregnant again whenever I was emotionally prepared. So, after a long chat, Sean & I decided to just let it be. We'd give it up to God and allow Him to determine what the right time would be.
So imagine my surprise when, a short 9 weeks later, I tested positive again! Even though we weren't actively trying to get pregnant, we were thrilled when I squinted at a faint pink line and knew that our lives were going to change. I must admit that my joy was quickly overshadowed by immense fear of another miscarriage, but I tried to ignore it as much as possible.
I notified my doctor right away and was asked told to have bloodwork done 3 separate times (every other day) to ensure that my HCG levels were rising appropriately, and I was incredibly relieved when your numbers grew from 313 on day 1 to 750 on day 2 and 1600 on day 3!
We also chose to share the news with our parents right away. We knew the pain of sharing a miscarriage with them and wanted to be able to share our joy. So, we used the gifts that we had purchased in January as a way to tell them that we were pregnant. There was (IS) such joy from everyone, and it makes us feel so good to know that you, our baby, are already loved.
The first ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow, March 27. And though I am still very scared, I am also incredibly hopeful that tomorrow will be my first glimpse of you, my sweet one.
I love you already!
The beginning of this story isn't really the beginning. The beginning happened on December 25 (Christmas day!), 2012, when I took my first positive pregnancy test. After the shock wore off, we were thrilled. We couldn't talk about anything else. We took trips to Babies R Us just to look at all of the baby supplies & cute clothes and we bought gifts for our family members (grandma & grandpa books, aunt bibs, great-grandma picture frames...) as a sweet way of telling them that we were expecting. We spent an alcohol-free New Year's Eve, just the two of us, talking about our dreams for our growing family in 2013.
But on January 2, I started bleeding. I knew right away that it was a miscarriage, but I didn't want to believe it. I went to the ER, where it was confirmed, and I sobbed. I mourned the loss of a child who never existed. It was incredibly painful, physically and emotionally, and I hated that I had to tell my family such horrible news - that I was pregnant but had lost the baby. (I didn't tell anybody except immediate family, and even that was uncomfortable and depressing to do.) My OB said that it likely never was a baby. At such an early time in the pregnancy, my miscarriage was probably the result of a "chemical pregnancy," meaning that there never was a baby at all because the implantation never occurred. He also said that my body would be ready to get pregnant again whenever I was emotionally prepared. So, after a long chat, Sean & I decided to just let it be. We'd give it up to God and allow Him to determine what the right time would be.
So imagine my surprise when, a short 9 weeks later, I tested positive again! Even though we weren't actively trying to get pregnant, we were thrilled when I squinted at a faint pink line and knew that our lives were going to change. I must admit that my joy was quickly overshadowed by immense fear of another miscarriage, but I tried to ignore it as much as possible.
I notified my doctor right away and was asked told to have bloodwork done 3 separate times (every other day) to ensure that my HCG levels were rising appropriately, and I was incredibly relieved when your numbers grew from 313 on day 1 to 750 on day 2 and 1600 on day 3!
We also chose to share the news with our parents right away. We knew the pain of sharing a miscarriage with them and wanted to be able to share our joy. So, we used the gifts that we had purchased in January as a way to tell them that we were pregnant. There was (IS) such joy from everyone, and it makes us feel so good to know that you, our baby, are already loved.
The first ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow, March 27. And though I am still very scared, I am also incredibly hopeful that tomorrow will be my first glimpse of you, my sweet one.
I love you already!
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