The Fine Line Between Love & Hate

I've struggled for a long time my whole life with my weight. As a kid, I was always chubbier than my classmates and as an adult I've always been heavier than my friends. Most of my family is overweight; we are sadly not a family with the incredible genetic ability to lose weight easily and keep it off. In fact, Sean & I got into a heated discussion this morning when he told me that he lost 8 lbs recently and I got unnecessarily angry with him, as if it was somehow his fault.  (He, by the way, attributes this to the fact that we've become vegetarian, but I've been eating exactly what he eats, if not a healthier version of it, and I'm still hovering around the exact same weight.) That being said, I know that I need to work harder than I have been working to get where I want to be.

Which leads me to a very difficult question. Where do I want to be?

Weight loss is a tricky subject. Aside from the fact that we live in a society that simultaneously emphasizes "stick thin = beautiful" and "have larger portions of fast food" (it can't be both!), I personally am walking a very fine line between loving myself and hating myself.

Let me explain.

There are days (or, at the very least, moments) that I feel really good about the way I look. Even though I am definitely in the "overweight" range for my height, I am confident because I do not want my size to define my beauty. I think my mother is beautiful, and I thought my grandmother was beautiful, too. But if I look like them (which I do), why shouldn't I see myself the same way?

And then there are the other days. The majority of the days. The days when I wish I was about 30 lbs lighter (for a variety of reasons). These are the days during which I am reminded that it's important for me to take care of my weight problem now, before it gets worse. These days are my motivating days. But for me, motivated = reminding myself of the things I do not like about my body. The things I'm embarrassed to talk about.

This is the fine line that I walk between loving myself and hating myself. I can love who I am and feel good about that, OR I can have feelings of self-loathing as I remember why I should work hard to lose weight. This, my friends, is the never-ending cycle that I battle on a daily basis.

So my question is - how can I love myself and want to change myself at the same time?